This could be a long update - Just one day, but what a day!!!
Where did I leave off last time? Barbecued rat, hannah Montanna plates and a lovely feeling that the world will be alright? Well, following on from that, we awoke in France in one piece with all our shiny purple dust caps still on and our possesions still where we left them.
Having a sleepy head on, dismantling a tent isn't the easiest of things but can't be that tricky to fold a tent back up and put it in a bag can it? Well, Gruff bet me a fiver that I couldn't get it broken down and in the bag within 10 minutes. I took this challenge on and I would like to tell you that the time taken was roughly 3 and a half minutes. Then I gave Gruff his fiver, had a tantrum, balled it all up and crammed it into the back of the boot tightly. Sodding thing. It's at this point that the 2 unshaven technophobes were introduced to me (remember I'm bad at names) who had been camping next to us. It appears that they had no convoy / friends and would like to join our rolling party of fun. That party now being made up of ourselves, Blind Panic (VolvoT5 turbo), Topscum (Mitsubishi FTO), and the mighty BugSplat (Mazda MX5). The chariot chosen by Hill & Billy???? Mr Bready the VW Polo. No CB, no satnav, not even a cigarette lighter so they needed to leave their phones in one of our cars to charge. They had entered the rally with the least amount of engine, technology or car permitted. This was going to be interesting.
As we had a wander around the campsite, we saw that overnight someone had painted a bloody great swasticka on the side of the camoflauged BMW. You remember that car... Working tank turret on top? Very very unsubtle especially being only a handful of miles from the German border. Lets hope for their sake, the next destination doesn't involve visiting a famous site where Hitler made wartime speeches(!).
Ed (Scumrun top dog) was calling everyone over to recieve their instructions and route cards and we were delighted to find out that we would be heading through Germany. To the main square where the first zeppelin was launched and where Hitler made large speeches about invasions etc... There was a little bit of chuckling and "ooooohing" as the Tank owners realised what they were about to have to face. I say a little bit, we laughed ourselves silly. Then, as that was only a checkpoint, the final destination was given, along with a timed deadline. We needed to be in the Czech republic campsite by 8PM. The reason? Ed had decided to take us all on a pub crawl through Prague and the bus was leaving at 8PM for the biggest titty bar in the roughest city on Earth.
A couple of problems immediately came to mind. One of the first was - Our satnav doesn't cover Czech. Another mini thought was that the Czech republic is out of "Western Europe". That means a different currency, but also means that our breakdown cover wouldn't cover us if we blew up out there. On the up side, for us to cover that many miles we needed to be fast, and back roads wouldn't cover it. Thankfully, between Strasburg and Prague, there are a lot of de-restricted autobahns. Theres a lot of them but fun fun fun.
It appears that overnight the mechanically minded pixies had rocked up and fixed our brakes. Although still soft, we had some so that's always promising.
As promised by the organisers a breathalyser was doing the rounds and just to put Gruff's mind at ease I had a go and passed it easily. Apparantly one of the other teams who were sure they were fine, weren't. Their most sober driver was still 4 times the limit!!!
We had a ciggy and a chat whilst we let the bigger boys get a head start, and then we left the campsite...
As we left the campsite we seemed to have grown. Not too bad except Gruff was leading the charge and the others seemed to think that he knew where he was going. Cast your minds back to leaving the M25 in the wrong direction....
After a mile or so a wrong turn was taken and everyone followed religiously. I think some of the natives raised an eyebrow or 2 when an illegal U-Turn was thrown at traffic lights by a convoy of 7 cars. After that surprisingly we reduced back to just Volvo, Mitsi, Polo and us. I think even Jo had disappeared by this point.
A lot of chatter over the CB's let us know that the French police didn't want us in their region anymore and stopped a few of ours so we decided to go for a low profile. Having got through a set of lights and veered off in a different direction to the rest of the scummers we checked we had everyone. Nope. Jon and Kelly in the Volvo weren't to be seen and as we know, they didnt have a working CB to contact us. Thankfully we had swapped numbers just for this kind of problem. We pulled into a fuel station and got in touch. Unfortunately, we didn't know where we had lost them, where they were, or indeed where we were. All we knew is that we were in a bright yellow petrol station and they should look out for us. Eventually they caught us up and time to go? Nope, Gruff needed a slash so we waited patiently as he walked to the back of the petrol station (with a working toilet), and wee'd against their wall. I swear he isn't house trained.
A swift check on the CB's to those in range seemed to let us know the coast was clear so off we charged again. As soon as we rounded the first corner we passed 2 coppers who had pulled a frenchman over and they looked at us. We looked at them. The FTO came off the throttle. The volvo tried to blend in. The Hillbillies (I'm friends with them now and still refer to them as Hill & Billy) happily bounced away to their classic rock album oblivious. With complete synchronicity both coppers jumped on their radios alerting any local patrols that we were still in the area so we simply ignored the suggested speed limit signs and hoofed it out of there. As soon as we got across the German border we figured fuel up, check maps, and get a lot of miles sorted as quickly as possible.
We've figured out the best route to the autobahn's and set off. At some point we met back up with the Bug and their poorly MX5. Due to something technical and mechanical, they were only running on 3 cylinders and the engine sounded rougher than rough. Gruff was still driving when we hit the first derestricted autobahn and he was absolutely thrilled to get to the dizzy heights of 85 mph. The FTO sounded like a jet fighter as it screamed past us, with the T5 happily tailgaiting behind. Via CB we had all agreed it would be sensible to keep 1 car behind the polo at all times to ensure they didn't get lost or have mechanical problems and end up starnded. We sat behind those guys happily admiring their enthusiasm. All 1054 cc of power being used and not skipping a beat at 80.
Traffic started to snarl and I was in need of a toilet stop. The worst thing in the world is knowing you're only a few hundred meters from a layby but not moving anywhere. Eventually, I gave in, got out of the car and went for a leak in the bushes. Magically like moses parting the waves, me getting my gigglestick out meant traffic flowed faster than fluids. With the tooting of horns the convoy progressed leaving me in the bushes watching. Gits. They pulled in a little bit down the road and if you watch Jo's video, you'll see me sprinting Usain Bolt style down the side of the road post piss.
I jumped in and we got going again. Despite the speed issues we had fallen foul of the previous day, the purple cab rocked to over the 100 marker so I was a happy little camper. Over the CB we heard (I think) the bug was having problems so we agreed to pull in. Unfortunately, Kelly "that space is plenty big enough" Foxhall performed a scary scary manouvere that worried us and scared the crap out of the German Merc driver she nearly took apart. It also created a warning light on the volvo that wasn't covered in the manual. Turns out it was a self protecting light that indicates Kelly shouldn't be allowed to drive the big ass volvo ever again.
After the bug was looked at we set off again. The weather was ideal so I lubed up in tan oil settled back and let the rays crisp me a little. A few of the others I could sense were starting to get a little jealous of Jo & Dave and Myself and Gruff having convertibles. We happily enjoyed the weather cruising at speeds illegal in the UK. Occasionally other teams and offical Scumrun cars passed us or got passed with a friendly toot of the horn. Happy times.
Not so happy times were to follow afterwards. A big grey cloud was appearing on the horizon looking very rainfilled. We're men not sugarmice, we will keep the roof down and get through it. And then it rained. I don't mean little drops, I mean proper biblical rain. Thick drops from the sky, with a rumble of thunder. Then we had a problem. The wipers wouldn't work. The windows wouldn't go up. The lights weren't on. Checking with he others via CB, it turns out we had no indicators either. The scene if you can picture it is 2 Brits, on an autobahn, pouring rain, windows and roof down, no wipers, no hazards, no lights not happy campers. The stereo still worked so that was a bonus :)
We pulled into a services as a convoy and the other guys were happy to wait as we figured out what had died. After half an hour or so of pulling fuses, manually lifting roof, and generally achieving nothing, I borrowed 0's waterpoof jacket and the ground sheet to their tent and we sent them on their way.
With just a handful of hours until the titty bar bus left, no point all of us missing it. With a bit of rain induced powersliding across the services car park the others disappeared into the horizon. Gruff phoned the AA (thankfully we had cover) and they sent a guy out. The anticipated delay was an hour so before he showed up so I went to the services cafe bit and bought us both a kitten bap. No idea what it was, but reasonably tasty.
The AA subcontractor turned up and didn't speak English so I was out of the loop straight away. However, I have found a new level of respect for Gruff as it turns out he is remarkably fluent in German. The problems have been described, the gonad has said he hasn't a clue and decided to bugger off leaving us stranded.
Another phone call to the AA got Herr Gonad to return to us (another hour or so) and again he explained nothing he could do as he already had a car on his flat bed. Ours started so we followed him. Having turned up at his depot I sort of understand why he didn't want our car there. It was an immaculate VW Audi dealership and we sort of lowered the tone. Entertainingly, it was in a town named "Feucht Wagon" or something very similar. We parked in his stunningly clean workshop and trickled some oily goo from the exhaust across his floor and tittered a little. A few minutes later a hobo looking chap in high-vis turned up and in perfect english explained he had nothing to do with Fords but was an Audi auto-electician and would have a look. 10 minutes later he had by-passed a relay and got everything tickety boo. He even made us a bit of fused cable and explained how to get it all running again should we encounter further problems.
All told, we had lost a lot of time (maybe 4 - 5 hours) and I had already phoned Ed and advised him we weren't gonna get on that titty bus, but we would phone him when we got to camp and get a taxi out to meet up with the rest of them at somepoint around midnight.
With a new found lease of life we kicked the arse right out of that car and despite darkness, we were happy and on the right trail. As we got to about 10 miles of the German / Czech border I was driving and passed a car "parked" on a sliproad. This should have put warnings into my tired little brain that maybe I should check my speed but no. I have Eastern european breasts to observe and I intend to do just that. The parked car was now approaching at a remarkable catch up rate so I eased off so he could pass us easily. But he didn't. Big alarm bells are starting to ring at this point. When he passed us it was a little bit of a relief. When the scrolling LED appeared in the back window advising us "Police. Follow" that relief went out the window. We were nicked. Banged to rights for speeding in a foreign country, by their unmarked coppers. Bollocks. Gruffs words of wisdom were "yes and no mate. Don't explain anything, don't have a conversation, just yes and no".
We pulled into the layby behind them and they indicated for us to stay in the car so we did. Then a series of unfortunate events unfurled...
Gruff got out of the car at their request and handed over the passports and driving licenses so they could check we weren't wanted by interpol. We're not, happy days. However, in a dark unlit layby, our replica AK47's in the doorpockets didn't seem to go down too well. Having been told (without a lot of manners may I add) to get out of the vehicle NOW and walk to the back of the car I did as instructed. At this point copper number 2 has told Gruff that his passport is in order and that Gruff is Irish. Remember yes and no? Gruff didn't. Despite having 2 armed german officers as opponents he did his best to strike an arsey argument about actualy being Welsh. Midway through him trying to get us killed, officer A has taken a look in my darkened door pocket and spotted what is in his opinion half a dozen CS spray canisters. In their eyes, they've just bagged 2 gun toting, CS smuggling Irishmen who are starting a fight. In Gruffs eyes, he's just being patriotic. In my eyes, I'm gonna be big Herman's cell toy for the next few years.
Thankfully after a little shouting orders on their part and snivveling on mine, I convinced them water pistols and energy drink but it could have been horrible. We unpacked the boot and the car to show them we werent smuggling, explained the rally and their little eyes lit up... "Are you ze first? There are more speeders yes?" Erm, no. Their eyes saddened a little bit as they realised they wouldn't be buggering up anyone elses evening. They were kind enough to explain to us that as soon as we hit Czech soil we would need a roadtax disc and they even escorted us out of their country to make sure we left. Very nice of them. By this point it had gone midnight. I asked Gruff where he had put the directions to the camp site (our satnav didn't cover Czech) and we twigged that they were in a services about 5 hours drive back.
We figured it was sleepy time coming. I wanted to crack on and just get to the camp site but Gruff wasn't having it. He's a grouchy bugger at times and this was one of those times. We pulled off the motorway about 5 miles from Prague and found a hotel. If we weren't going to see titty bars, then we were going to treat ourselves to a bed and a shower. First things first though, a pint in the hotel bar. Or 2. Or 3. Annoyingly the Czech's have their own currency, not the Euro, and we didn't have any. She said she could do the beer in Euro's but would have to charge us a whole Euro a pint. She was actually apologizing that we were having to pay 60p a pint!!!!!
After a couple of beers, it was time for showers and bed. Several well slept hours later and our alarms went off. Having stolen the toiletries from the room, we checked out and found the camp site with relative ease in the daylight.
But what followed was another interesting day...
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